Do you remember those hearing tests in elementary school? 

A test administrator would plunk bulky headphones over your ears and ask you to raise your hand every time you heard a sound. I always expected to fail those things but never did. 

Once my mother asked my doctor to do the test. She was certain I had hearing problems because I was always asking people to repeat what they said. My teacher had also complained about the number of times she had to say my name before I’d respond. 

But, alas, I passed the hearing test…again. 

My doctor gave my mother some excuse about not paying attention and needing to focus more, blah, blah, blah. 

What no one realized and, as a child I was unable to articulate it, I could hear just fine. The issue had nothing to do with a refusal to pay attention in class nor with my hearing, it had everything to do with the way I process sound.

Even in adulthood, I struggle to process what others are saying, have extreme sensitivity to sounds, and can’t filter out background noises. I’ve found ways to excuse these issues like, in groups, mirroring everyone else’s responses. If they nod their heads, I nod my head. In one-on-one situations, I’ll say I have poor hearing even though it’s a lie to explain why I’ve asked them to repeat themselves a few times. 

It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with Autism at the age of 39 that I figured out why this was happening. Following my diagnosis, I put in a lot of time researching autism. So many ‘wrong’ things about me were finally explained. 

Now I understand that, like many autistics, I have auditory processing disorder.

What is auditory processing disorder?

Auditory processing disorder is a condition where you can hear sounds normally, but your brain has trouble understanding and making sense of those sounds. It can make it difficult to understand speech, follow directions, or distinguish between similar sounds.

Although anyone can have auditory processing disorder, approximately 5% of children have it, experts have estimated that up to 80% of autistic people have some level of auditory processing issues.

While researchers and doctors don’t know the exact cause for auditory processing disorder in autistics but some research suggests it’s an issue with autistic brains’ limited ability to store information into long-term memory. 

What we do know is anxiety, stress, and fatigue can exacerbate it.

Like all autistic traits, auditory processing issues can present differently from individual to individual. 

Hypersensitivity: 

Some sounds can be overwhelming or too loud. This one is more noticeable in individuals because a common response is to cover our ears. 

I covered my ears often in childhood but, unfortunately, was ridiculed by those around me about it. “It wasn’t THAT loud,” they’d say. 

For a long time, I purposely avoided covering my ears to avoid being picked on. It was painful to hear the sound. But now that I know why I’m sensitive to sounds, I now allow myself to cover my ears. I’ve also purchased Loops ear plugs which I carry in my purse.

Our hypersensitivity can also cause of to have a physical reaction to common sounds that may not bother most people. 

For me, hearing people smack, even small smacking sounds, sends my anxiety level through the roof. There are specific words that make me cringe when I hear them. I’m not sure why but it sounds like nails scratching a chalkboard. That’s the reaction I have. 

Filtering sounds: 

For those of us that experience this one, it can be difficult — often impossible — to filter out background noises and focus on one sound. 

Having a conversation in a restaurant is an exhausting experience for me — I can’t filter out other conversations, the clanging of utensils, and doors opening and closing. 

This can also contribute to most autistics’ need for quiet areas to work instead of open-concept office spaces. To listen to conversations with coworkers or on the phone, we have to fight against other sounds like fingers typing keyboards, mouse clicks, elevators moving, heavy footsteps down the walk ways, the air conditioner running, and coffee pots brewing. 

Mental Processing Speed: 

This one is a rough one to live with, at least, from my personal experience. My brain processes information at a slower pace than neurotypicals. I can hear what someone is saying — I hear the words — but understanding their meaning takes some time. I’ll understand a joke a minute or two after everyone else laughs. 

Those of us that experience this often miss steps in verbally delivered instructions and ask people to repeat what they’ve said. 

Prosody: 

Prosody is the rhythm, intonation, and emotional tone in speech. Some autistic people can have difficulty interpreting these cues, which interferes with our ability to understand the emotional context of conversations. 

My daughter, who is eight, loves to joke about how much I ruin sarcasm. She will say, “I hated my dinner. I can’t believe you fed that to me.” I can never tell if she is being sarcastic or really hated her dinner. I’ve since learned to look at her plate before I respond. If she ate everything, then she’s being sarcastic. If she’s hardly touched it, then she probably didn’t like it. 

For people I know well, I try to decide if what they said is something they’d normally say — does it fit a pattern of previous behavior, beliefs, or conversations, —  or look for eye rolls and other dramatic facial moments that might indicate if it’s sarcasm. 

And this goes for other emotions as well. I can’t tell if something is bothering someone by what they say unless it’s really dramatic. Instead, I focus on changes in their behavior or facial expressions, etc. Are they crying (or not smiling)? Are their eyes red? Are they fidgeting with something? 

Be patient and deliver information in multiple ways

I was a teacher in a past life. One of the things we were taught was to ensure our lessons covered all the learning styles. Offer notes, give verbal instructions, provide visuals, and get hands-on if possible. Don’t just read Shakespeare, give the kids pool noodles and have them act out fight scenes! The more senses that are involved, the more people will remember the information. 

Whether you are in the office or in a classroom, there is no reason you can’t provide information in multiple forms. Relying on verbally delivered information is risky even for neurotypicals. (Ever heard of the telephone game?) Providing information and instructions in written form and with visuals ensures everyone understands the concept or problem being discussed. 

Most importantly, be patient. It doesn’t matter if the person you are interacting with is autistic, ADHD, or neurotypical. Auditory processing issues can affect anyone. Give people a moment to process new information and go a step further by giving them license to take as much time as they need.

A simple, “You don’t have to answer that (provide feedback, etc.) right now. You can take some time to think about it and get back to me,” can be a relief to someone dealing with auditory issues. 

Although everyone stims to some degree, it’s necessary for autistics. Stimming helps us regulate our emotions and relieve anxiety. But in the workplace, our stims can distract coworkers – drawing unwanted and unnecessary attention.

Not all workplaces are a safe environment for autistics to be our authentic selves. Our social challenges often cause our coworkers to exclude us, so we don’t need another “quirk” to make us stand out any further.   

But blocking our need to stim is harmful to our mental health. So, we need to find stims that meet our needs but won’t distract coworkers.

Many of my stims are distracting, including biting my nails, pulling on my hair, rearranging objects on my desk, and cracking my knuckles. I’ve worked in an office environment on and off again for 20 years. Throughout this time, I’ve looked for more appropriate ways to stim without being so distracting.

I want to share them in case someone else needs an idea. If you have an alternative stim that you use in the workplace to avoid being a distraction, please feel free to share in the comments!

So, on we go:

Play-Doh

This one really helps me avoid the urge to bite my nails. I hide the small container in a drawer and pull out enough to roll around my fingertips while thinking at my desk. 

It’s quiet and moldable. A larger piece can act as a stress ball. A small amount can roll around between my fingertips. And when someone catches me with the Play-Doh, I tell them it’s my stress ball alternative. It seems to work, and they shrug it off because everyone can understand the need for a stress ball at the office.

I can make my blob of Play-Doh as big or small as I need it to be, which keeps it adaptable to my needs at that moment. A small piece can easily be smuggled into a meeting rolled around in my hand under the conference table.

Long Necklace

I have a long necklace with two metal leaf pendants. This necklace does wonders for meetings. It’s the perfect length to avoid drawing attention when people are looking at me. But I do have to be careful not to jingle them. Unfortunately, they don’t go with every outfit I wear. So, limitations. At least on the fashion front.

Also, because they are metal, they are not suitable for aggressive stimming. It becomes loud. When my anxiety skyrockets, I need something more moldable – like Play-Doh.

Blankets

I keep a small soft blanket at my desk. Rubbing the fabric and “petting” can relieve my anxiety and help me focus. The great thing about having a blanket at the office is that every woman has one! Offices tend to be too cold for women, so having a blanket at your desk doesn’t make you “weird” or “childish.”

Sweaters

For meetings, sweaters are fantastic. Under the table, I roll the threads and hems in my fingers. Since many sweaters have thicker threads, it’s easier to roll the thick seams around. I especially like my cardigan for this reason.

Meetings are always an overstimulating environment with the lights, people talking, the need to process the verbal conversation, thinking through social cues, reading the presentation, and bodies sitting near you. It’s overwhelming. The room can feel like it’s closing in on you; heaven forbid someone asks you a question when you weren’t expecting it.

Stimming in meetings is necessary; we need something to help channel the anxiety.

Doodling/Calligraphy

Years ago, when I taught high school, many of my students found doodling effective. Not so for me. I never liked doodling until I discovered calligraphy. Now, I’m not a calligraphy expert. In all honesty, I’m still a beginner. But I enjoy it enough to do it in my notebook during meetings. Calligraphy became my doodling and lifesaver. For most meeting attendees, it looks like I’m taking notes. And, frankly, even if someone knew what I was writing, doodling is a widely accepted practice for focusing during meetings. I have yet to have anyone get upset by it.

My notebook is filled with keywords from meetings and my kids’ names written in calligraphy. Calligraphy was a game-changer for me. I can do it as vigorously as I need. The more stressful the meeting, the more I can doodle in my notebook.

Calligraphy requires that I slow down and focus.

Chairs

I love rocking in chairs. Rocking is one of the more common stims for autistics. Thankfully, many types of office chairs can handle a slight rocking. My office chair doesn’t rock, but it does swivel nicely! I’ll grab my desk with both hands and swivel back and forth.

This may become distracting during a meeting, though. So, reserving this action for your desk might be more appropriate if you aren’t in an overly exposed cubicle setup.

These are just a few of the stims I’ve discovered work for me. They help me relieve my anxiety while avoiding the stims that distract others. (No one wants to sit across a conference table and watch a woman gnawing on her fingernails like a hyena with its prey! Gross!)

Have a stim to add to this list? Feel free to share it in the comments.

As an autistic person, I hate the question, “How are you doing?”

When I say that I hate the question, think Grinch-loathes-Whoville-and-Christmas level hate.

Seriously, it’s a horrible question. Why haven’t neurotypicals figured this out yet?

As most autistics do, I learned about the insanity of this question the hard way. People may ask this question, but they don’t want to hear the answer.

No matter how you actually feel, neurotypicals expect to hear, “I’m fine. And you?” in response. This doesn’t come naturally to autistics, and it isn’t a habit to learn quickly.

An exhaustive thought process occurs from hearing the question to verbalizing the response.

Want to know what it’s like? Peek into my head. Come on; I won’t bite. Get in here:

A co-worker walks by and says, “Hey, Sarah. How are you?”

My thought process:

Ugh. THAT question. I don’t know. How am I? I’m hungry, but he doesn’t need to know that. I’m depressed because I hate my job. If I say that, does it make me a Debbie-downer? Maybe I should avoid that subject since he is a co-worker. But perhaps he feels the same way, and it would be nice to know someone else hates this place, too. How well do I know him? I think he has kids. Should I tell him that I was excited about my son’s promotion in swim class last night? Does he want to hear about my son? Probably not…What part of my life is he asking about???

Oh, yeah. He probably doesn’t want an answer. Why do people even ask this question if they don’t want the answer? What’s up with not telling the truth? They ask me how I feel but don’t want the answer. They want everything to be fine – let’s lie to the world and say everything is fine. Why ask the question if you don’t want the truth? Geez. 

Okay, slow down. Sllllloooooowwwww down brain!

Just tell him you’re fine – isn’t that what people expect. Quickly. Before too much time has passed. He’ll think I’m ignoring him. 

“I’m fine.”

There. I said it. Wait. He’s just staring at me. Shit. I forgot something. He’s looking at me weirdly. What did I forget? Oh, yeah…

“And you?”

Okay, he’s fine as usual. But wait, he can’t be fine. His face is red, and he’s gripping his pencil so hard his knuckles are white. Dude, you aren’t ‘fine.’ Why would you lie about that? I know you are lying to me. 

Is it his mom? She was in the hospital for a while. Maybe his wife? Is he sick? Did his boss chew him out? Is he mad at me? Was my tone off? Did I come across as rude? Too abrupt? Am I smiling to let him know I’m not annoyed at his question? What else am I forgetting here?

Seriously, WHY IS YOUR FACE SO RED????

Shoot. Did he just ask me another question? I missed it…

So, why is this a big deal to autistics?

• Cognitive Empathy 

According to Sara Hodges and M.W. Myers, cognitive empathy is “having more complete and accurate knowledge about the contents of another person’s mind, including how the person feels.”

Unfortunately, mindreading isn’t in the autistic skillset. Neurotypicals can weigh the type of relationship they have with someone to predict what’s in their head.

But for me, the expectation of invoking cognitive empathy adds another round of wheel whirling in my head. There are too many variables to consider.

If I’m too tired to go through this thought process, I’ll start answering. I’ll pour out the details or stumble my way through as I attempt to shorten the response. All this takes energy to reign in the details because the question isn’t specific enough. How am I? There are so many paths to go down for this, and I have no idea which one to take.

• Literal Interpretation of Language

I remember the first time I heard the phrase: it’s raining cats and dogs. My mother was standing at the front window with the curtains open. I ran to the window to look because, you know, cats and dogs are falling from the sky, right? Gotta see that!

To my disappointment, there were no cats and dogs – just rain. That was my first lesson in idioms.

To this day, I go through a translation process in my head when I hear that phrase and many others. Same with the greeting, “How are you?”

Autistics take language at face value. What you say is what we expect you to mean. If you ask, “How are you doing?” then answering the question honestly should be the expectation. It feels fake otherwise.

If you don’t care to hear the answer, then a simple “Hello,” is greeting enough.

The point of sharing this is: If one greeting can cause this much anxiety to an autistic, can you imagine the anxiety and exhaustion of an entire conversation? We’re expected to communicate by neurotypical rules. It’s complicated, exhausting, and confusing.

For many neurotypicals, all of these “unspoken” rules come naturally. Neurotypicals can read an interaction and relationship enough to respond to this seemingly simple question.

But for autistics, it isn’t apparent. How do I know if someone is willing to hear the honest answer? When is the “I’m fine” response expected?

I just want people to mean what they say….or ask in this instance. Is that too much to ask?

We all know that interrupting someone is rude. Our parents taught us that. Our teachers taught us that.

It’s frustrating to be engrossed in a task or conversation and be interrupted. Just about anyone, neurotypical or neurodivergent, is irritated on some level.

I envy the person that can pick up a conversation with, “Now where was I? Oh, yeah! So, as I was saying…” I’ve never been that person. The person that can take a few moments to remember and pick it up the conversation again. Me? If I’m interrupted, I need to start the thought process over from the beginning.   

For autistic people, interruptions are on another level. Forget irritated – try emotionally shattering. I’m so involved mentally in the task that when someone interrupts me, I’m ripped out of my body. I’m thrown off and expected to pay attention to the interrupter. But my attention doesn’t want to let go of the original task. It’s mentally and emotionally jarring.

Masking is virtually impossible at this moment. Attempting to stop the look of frustration and avoid a terse response is hit or miss.

The response to being interrupted during a task at work is amplified. The interruptions aren’t a sometimes thing, they are excessive. It’s exhausting to shift focus to the interrupter then shift back to the task at hand. It’s like spending all my time sorting coins only to have someone come along and throw them all around the room. I can’t jump into the task where I left off, I need to start at the beginning to reorganize the information in my head and follow the thought process all over again.

On top of frequent socializing, task interruption is probably one of the main causes of exhaustion for me. At the end of the day, I’m frustrated and on edge. I can’t focus on anything. And I take all that home. Sustaining this work method just throws me into meltdowns and burnouts.

Notifications for chats, phone calls, email dings, meetings, and people randomly stopping by my cubicle. For much of the pandemic, I’ve worked remotely – desk drops are replaced with Teams chat notifications or unexpected calls.

Even though meetings are scheduled, they too interrupt my work. I don’t have the time to focus deeply on a project before shifting over to another meeting. When autistic people focus, we can lose all track of time and miss a lot of our own body signals until the last minute. When I’m focused, I don’t know when I need to go to the bathroom until it becomes an urgent feeling. Even though I know a meeting is coming up, I’m so focused and lose track of that time that the notification reminding me of the meeting is a frustrating interruption.

Lately, I started exploring a few options to reduce the interruptions. Blocking large chunks of time on my calendar, turning off notifications, and silencing my phone help a little. But they don’t stop the persistent co-worker or boss in an environment where every employee is expected to jump at any moment’s notice. I live in fear of being fired because I set up boundaries that others don’t.

If we really want to create inclusive work environments for autistic people, the entire way companies work will need to change. That’s what companies don’t understand.

It isn’t a few accommodations for the autistic person – it’s how everyone in the office works. Although interruptions effect autistics at a much greater intensity level, they do negatively affect the overall productivity of everyone at the office.

According to University of California Berkley, “The length of our recovery time depends on the complexity of our task; ranging anywhere from 8 minutes for simpler tasks to 25 minutes for more complex ones,” and, “Frequent interruptions can also lead to higher rates of exhaustion, stress-induced ailments, and a doubling of error rates.” 

Avoiding interruptions isn’t just good for autistics, its good for the entire workforce. If only we could rely less on accommodations (which many companies do not approve or support anyways) and more companies overhauling the way they work.

When the entire company culture is aligned on reducing task interruptions and maximizing productivity, autistic employees – and employees with other neurodiverse conditions – benefit as well.

If only, right?

Just like most things in our society, we’ve structured the employment process around neurotypical social skills. Unfortunately, autistic social skills do not align with these expectations. It’s disheartening to read in Forbes that “a staggering 50-75% of the 5.6 million autistic adults in the U.S. are unemployed or underemployed.” 

As an autistic, I know how difficult it is to get–and keep–a job. We are expected to transport ourselves to a neurotypical world 8 or more hours every day. So much of the employee experience operates against brains on the autistic spectrum. This includes the social skills needed to maintain long-term relationships.  

Most workplaces are ripe with social nuances. Learning and participating in them can improve career success. But operating in an environment that runs counter to our innate social skills inhibits our ability to succeed in the workplace. 

Companies are not prepared to shift the current formula for success to include autistic employees. It would require an overhaul of the entire hiring and promotion process.  

Autistic employees don’t “fit in.” 

As the saying goes, it isn’t what you know, but who you know. Networking begins the day you start your new job, and the first step in this process is to build relationships with the coworkers you see every day.

Inter-office relationships are challenging to build. Think about it. Our coworkers must interact with us every day, even if we aren’t, shall we say, their cup of tea.  

As Marcia Scheiner said in her book An Employer’s Guide to Managing Professionals on the Autism Spectrum, “Although autism is considered a ‘hidden disability,’ the observable behavior of colleagues with autism is often described as annoying, odd, rude, and uncaring. While many people on the spectrum may want to socialize with others, their social-skill deficits can make these interactions awkward.” 

Basically, our coworkers don’t see why autistic employees socialize the way we do. Instead, they experience autistic traits that are difficult to hide, and misinterpret them. To them, autistic coworkers are awkward. In response, they may limit their social interaction with their ‘awkward’ coworkers. They will avoid inviting them to lunch or stopping by their cubicle for a quick chat.

Sometimes, autistic employees will be the subject of water-cooler gossip and inter-office bullying. Autistic employees may see the restricted interactions by others. And, recognizing that they are not included in the inter-office relationships building up around them, can cause autistic employees to further withdrawal from office interactions.  

That autistic employees don’t “fit in” according to neurotypical social expectations. In the workplace, this can hinder our ability to keep jobs and promote. 

Autistic individuals’ strong sense of fairness works against the social expectations of the workplace.

Probably the first thing young adults learn when entering the workforce is that hard work isn’t enough to push them through the ranks. Mastering inter-office politics is a skill needed to succeed. 

Unfortunately for autistic employees, it isn’t that simple. 

We can’t wrap our heads around the unfair concept of hiring and promoting based on favorability instead of job skills. Favoritism is “when a person (usually a manager) demonstrates preferential treatment to one person over all of the other employees for reasons unrelated to performance,” as defined by Susan Lucas.

Being the boss’s favorite usually means better annual reviews and raises, the first choice of projects, and improved chances for promotion, even if the favored employee’s work is mediocre. This does not sit well with autistic employees.

We can’t see the purpose of the favorability over work quality and skill.

Office politics is a challenging concept to grasp. In addition to favoritism, employees need to learn to read social situations – not a natural skill for autistics. When should an employee be honest with my boss and when should I tell the boss what they want to hear instead? What does the boss want to hear instead of the truth? Why can’t I be honest?

“Office politics and ‘sucking up’ to the boss are not in (an autistic woman’s) social toolbox and this can cause others to dislike her socially, despite being skilled at her job.” – Sarah Hendrickx, Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder

Between our social skills and inability to navigate office politics, we are not held favorably in the eyes of bosses. Unfortunately, some bosses will do more for the “socially favorable” and find reasons to drop the “socially unfavorable.”

Autistic employees can do a few things to help maximize their success in the workplace.

Office politics won’t go away. Depending upon the job, some inter-office politics and social skills will always be required to maintain employment and promote. But there are things autistic employees can do to support themselves.

1.      Choosing careers that align with our strengths and preferred working environments.

Choosing a career that doesn’t heavily rely on social skills and aligns with our strengths can improve our chances for success. Also, understanding the type of working environment can maximize our resiliency.

“The main problem for most of us (autistics) is that we have a hard time holding onto jobs for social reasons. I cannot stress enough how important it is to work with your strengths and acknowledge your triggers – things that push your autistic buttons – so that you choose the right career path.” – Rudy Simone, Aspergirls

An office environment may not be the best place for some autistic people. Fluorescent lights, cold temperatures, white-noise machines, and impromptu hallway meetings can grind on our senses. Working from home may be more appropriate for some.

I know an autistic person that loves food and can hyper focus on cooking. He is now a chef. The hustle and bustle of a commercial kitchen gives him the excuse to avoid most socializing. Hyper focusing on the plate in front of him propels him forward.

We can increase our chances of success by pursuing opportunities that align closely with our needs and strengths.

2.      Become a Subject Matter Expert (SME).

Generally, autistic individuals can focus intensely on a subject; often researching it until fully knowledgeable. We love details. Understanding the details gives us some level of control and order in the subject. Typically, self-learning is an autistic strength.

These skills can help us become SMEs. Thus, becoming a source of valuable information for coworkers. 

Professional conversations are a great opportunity to know someone. As subject matter experts, we can share valuable knowledge with coworkers and build a rapport through these interactions.

Autistics find small talk challenging but can talk endlessly about areas of interest. These types of interactions involve less pressure to socialize casually. The focus is on the professional subject matter, not the weather or what-was-Pam-thinking-wearing-that-outfit-to-work gossip. 

Building a reputation as a “go-to” person across departments can help boost your career internally. Leaders talk. Make sure they are talking about your skills and expertise. 

3.     Find a mentor.

There are many benefits for anyone–autistic or not–to having a professional mentor. A mentor can shorten the learning curve, help mentees navigate the office environment, and improve their professional network. 

Many companies offer mentorship programs. Autistic employees can benefit from the professional support an inter-company mentor can offer. The one-on-one support for autistic employees can be invaluable.

We all have the right to pursue career ambitions and earn a living. Unfortunately, the workplace wasn’t built with an autistic or neurodiverse brain in mind. It doesn’t mean that autistics can’t be successful in the workplace. Being more purposeful and self-aware can help us align our career goals and working environment to our strengths.